Is My Relationship Over?
Deciding to stay or leave a relationship is a major decision. A decision which many women feel helpless about. One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling stuck and disempowered in relationships and choosing to stay just because…
Making a big life change is pretty scary – but know what’s even scarier. REGRET – Zig Ziglar
Here’s what we cover in this blog:-
- Are you tired?
- Why does living with him become difficult?
- Solution-less problems
- Problems of conflict
- Underlying problems
- To stay or to leave
- Making the decision
Are you tired?
Don’t you feel tired? After trying hard to juggle things and people in your life – your work commitments, your spouse, your children and friendships and yet no one is happy most especially you – you feel tired.
You try so hard to make your life is perfect but that gnawing voice that keeps saying “It isn’t perfect”, “I am making compromises.”, keeps echoing in your head.That feeling drives you to try again and again to make things better in your relationship/
You seem to have tried meditation, affirmations, love rituals, reiki, chakra healing, the law of attraction, the Secret and nothing works for you! You feel inauthentic and like a failure. You just don’t know how to solve this. What should you do?
Its one of two things usually for most of my clients- either they aren’t financially able to leave or they just feel trapped emotionally in the relationship and feel disempowered to take such a huge decision.
This decision to leave a toxic relationship really throws you off balance.You find yourself at a fork in the road. You have followed the “right” path, educated yourself, found a good job and gained the respect of your peers. And yet, despite all you had accomplished, your disempowerment in your relationship leaves you feeling frustrated and confused.
You begin to ask yourself these questions
- Is this just something everyone feels at one point or another in their relationships?
- Are my expectations from my partner too high?
- Am I being spoiled to think that my relationship should provide me with the type of fulfilment and gratification we see in romantic movies?
A women holds on to her relationship mainly because she is afraid that she will not find another person and be single all her life.
So instead she settles. The problem with settling in a relationship is that you know it’s not best for you“
Why does living with him become difficult
There are basically three main kinds of issues that I feel would really be the cause for a woman to decide to finally leave the relationship. Many want to do it but few have the guts or courage to actually walk out. No matter how independent or strong you are, to walk out of a relationship is more than just a physical decision. Let’s look at the kinds of problems relationships face.
- Solution- Less problems (the stuff there’s no coming back from)
- Problems of Conflict (the stuff that requires you to have a relationship pause or breather)
- Underlying Problems (the petty, day to day issues that require you to put in a bit of work).”
Solution-Less Problems
These are issues that keep repeating in the relationship again and again. There are simply no solutions and they are either deeply rooted personality disorders or the life situation around doesn’t permit change that is easy.
Sharing a client experience, Stefan was always verbally abusive towards Nora when he got angry. He even sometimes got physically abusive with her at times. Every time she decided to leave he would say sorry 100 times and explain that he didn’t mean it and she’s too sensitive.
Sorry with no changed behaviour isn’t ever going to change things. Stefan kept saying sorry but never really thought he was wrong and thus there wasn’t a change in his actions. When he got angry again, he repeated his actions. Nora felt disempowered – she did believe he loved her and she so wanted to believe he would change but time and again she would be disappointed.
There was really no solution for Nora – but to leave. Stefan wouldn’t change and she was hurting every other day.
Cheating is another such problem. Usually after a cheating episode, its very hard to keep the relationship going and strong. Kayla cheated on Sam – she had her justifications and after a long year of separation, hate, anger and agony they both decided to get back together – the relationship could never ever be the same because Sam could never ever forget and every time they fought he would bring up the cheating, insult her with his mean words and never ever let her forgive herself. It was hard for her to stay in the relationship because she knew in the back of his mind – he would never ever move on from that incident and she felt belittled and unable to feel normal. It was best to be leave – some major damage like that can’t ever change the status of the relationship no matter how much you try to make it work.
Even life situations sometimes force you to leave because the scar is just too deep. After Nancy lost her baby at 6 months due to a genetic defect, her relationship with Andy could never ever get better. They went for couple counselling, tried therapy and healing sessions – nothing worked. She bore the grudge that he couldn’t do anything to save her child. She hated him for being able to move on so easily. She felt like she was the only victim and he wasn’t grieving enough. He couldn’t understand how to help her and grieved alone. He didn’t even show her his grief and spent more like outside home drinking, with friends and even had an affair. All these actions brought such a rift in their relationship – she felt so stifled and depressed and she finally walked out.
We all have a meltdown point and when we reach it, we will decide to leave -the cons just need to outweigh the pros of staying. Same with Nora, when the abuse reached a point where there were more bad days than good days
Problems of Conflict
These are core problems which happen in a relationship. The couple needs to reassess the relationship at this point at see if the conflict can be stopped and find a better way to deal with the issue.
Kathy and Aaron were very different people. They were mismatched from the beginning – they were just different at core level. Kathy was a freedom lover and needed her space in the relationship and Aaron on the other hand was a very judgemental person – he analysed and over analysed all her actions and her need for freedom meant to him that she wanted space away from him and she didn’t love him enough. She on the other hand felt so stifled in the relationship- she couldn’t breath being controlled this way.
They constantly fought over small issues and all this conflict reached a point of communication breakdown. They just couldn’t talk to each other anymore. I suggested they take a break from each other for a while – sometimes a separation time really makes you think –
- Is being right really that important in the relationship?
- Is compromising that hard ?
- Is the love important enough to fight for?
- Does my ego really matter so much?
- Can I really change myself to accommodate my partner of is it taking me out of my authenticity?
We are all different at core. Living with the differences become hard sometimes when respect flies out of the window. Kathy couldn’t respect Aaron because he had double standards – one for him and one for her. She felt he was being unfair and she couldn’t respect him for that.
Conflict sometimes arises due to interfering family members usually leads to problems and thus separation. It could be the children, an interfering mother in law or just a spinster sister in law. Even friends sometimes can become causes of conflict in relationships. We all live in a community and thus all these conflicts have to be addressed – else they will become the reasons for a toxic relationship.
I have seen many relationships split because of mother in laws who could never stop interfering and finally made the couple have so many arguments and thus their own problems. In cases like that – it sometimes just seems like the best option to take a break because the situation wont ever change. Maybe a break from the relationship make your partner realise he needs to step up and change things.
Conflicts also arise because of different values and beliefs. Ron broke with Gina because she refused to have sex with him till they got married – and he was like – Which generation do you come from? What if we are sexually incompatible? I can’t ever do that! But Gina stood to her “values’ and in the process caused Ron to finally lose the intimacy and move on. Both were not wrong but both believed in what they were brought up with – sometimes these differences can be the cause for you to leave.Gina felt he didn’t really love her and didn’t respect her belief system and she decided to leave him.
Conflicts happen in all relationships but when do you really make it the reason to leave?When they become so unbearable that you have to decide to walk away and stop yourself from the draining and detrimental relationship.
Underlying Problems
These are just niggling issues that exist that have no solution to – like for example if your partner has a drinking problem. He’s awesome and you both vibe well – but when he drinks, he becomes someone else. Well he tries not to – but when he does you see a side of him you totally detest. This issue doesn’t affect you usually but its underlying and can erupt anytime. Shelly lived with such a man. She got really afraid when there was peer pressure to drink- often times when her partner used to drink, he started misbehaving with other women, often even sexually harassing them – once he even hit Shelly when she tried to tell him off. She was afraid of social situations and at one point, she just decided to leave. She felt she was living in fear and anxiety of when this monster will emerge. He was a ticking time bomb.
Karin lived with a bisexual man. She never knew he was bisexual when she married him -obviously he gave her many reasons for not being sexually interested in her and she believed him. Once she got a call from his boyfriend telling her that her partner was his lover. Her world came crashing apart – he did provide for her and was a very kind man. But his other side was a problem she couldn’t grapple with – she needed to get out and finally feel free as this underlying lie was eating her up.
To Stay Or Leave
To stay or leave is a decision we have to make.It’s always harder to do the latter – its something new, something uncomfortable, something out of the comfort zone, something risky. What if I am worse off? We all want guarantees in life but life comes with no such thing. And thus, 8 out of 10 women choose to stay – and suffer. Like they say a known devil is better than an unknown one.
Leaving a toxic relationship is liberating. It gives you doors to other better opportunities which you would miss out on if you stayed in that relationship. Mary was in a bad relationship with Andrew for 12 years. She knew Nick liked her – she kept hanging on to Andrew hoping he would change, worried she would be making a wrong decision to leave. When she did finally leave Andrew – Nick had already moved on and married to someone else and she regretted losing such a wonderful man and in the process wasted 12 years in suffering and till today goes for therapy.
Beatrice caught her husband of 20 years cheating – she decided to get divorced immediately. She stayed single for 2 years – she dated men but nothing worked and she felt dejected and lonely at times. Then she met this awesomely sexy man who cooks, gives her orgasms and is the sweetest man she has ever known. She is so happy she got divorced – else she would never have met him!
Making The Decision
If you feel stifled, unhappy and simply feel stuck in your relationship – it’s time to make the decision.
Being in toxic relationships are harmful. If you are constantly abused, either mentally physically, or emotionally, if you feel trapped and stuck, if there are constant arguments and snide remarks and you constantly are feeling unfulfilled you need to take serious action. This is a serious relationship problem.
Ask yourself
- Am I at your best self in this relationship?
- When I’m away from my partner, do I feel better or worse?
- Do I feel bad about myself in his company?
- Do he really make me feel horrible about the way I look, the way I am and my personality?
- Am I being mentally, emotionally and physically traumatised?
If the answers to all these questions are yes then it looks like it is about time to leave.the relationship. Making that decision is the first step of many new steps to your liberation.
Kaysha Ubrani