Your Vibe Attracts Your Tribe
Your relationship experience is all about you. Do you agree?
Read this blog to find out why you are living a life of lack and how you can change things today.
A lot of people ask me what do I mean by
“YOUR RELATIONSHIP EXPERIENCE IS ALL ABOUT YOU”
How can this be? How can my relationship experience be all about me when there is another person involved?
Many couples are stuck in dysfunctional relationship systems, wondering how come the same person you could connect with so easily in the beginning is now a book you can’t even read Chapter 1 of!
Two major fears undermine all our relationships. Let me explain it to you.
First is the the fear of rejection, of not being loved.We demonstrate this fear by being angry, judging ourselves and our partner and lashing out our fears when we don’t get our way in the relationship.
The other is the fear of being controlled, of losing yourself to another’s demands. We demonstrate this fear instead by caving in as we feel controlled, consumed, invaded, suffocated, dominated, and overwhelmed by our partner.
Until these fears are resolved, you will likely react defensively whenever they are triggered.We might use different defensive strategies, but the result will be the same .
When these fears are activated, we often focus on who is at fault or who started it, and this perpetuates the problems.Blaming your partner for your fears, as well as your behaviour, makes the relationship feel unsafe.
Both end up feeling badly, each believing that your pain is the result of your partner’s behaviour. You feel victimised, helpless, stuck, and disconnected from your partner. You desperately want your partner to see what he is doing that (you think) is causing your pain.
You think that if only your partner only understands this, he will change – and you exhaust yourself trying to figure out how to make your partner understand.
Over time, passion dries up. Superficiality, boredom, fighting, and apathy take its place.
There are two fears here. Fear of being controlled and the fear of rejection.These dual fears are the underlying cause of unloving, reactive behaviour in our relationships.
Does it seem to be making sense now?
Now these fears are deeply rooted and very subconscious. We don’t even know we have them. Or even accept it. And they cannot be healed or overcome by getting someone else’s love.
Growing up very few of us learnt how to take responsibility for our own fullness, happiness, peace, and joy. We weren’t taught it and never really practise it.
Your relationship experience is all about you. And that’s exactly what this means. To manifest the feeling we want in our relationships – we need to maintain that energy and stand in our spiritual power. It is your experience and you need to own it. You are creating it – it is your perception of your relationship and you and you alone attracted every person and every situation in your life.
When you take responsibility for your relationship and stop blaming your partner you are not abdicating responsibility and taking charge of how you want to feel.
So you will ask me – how is that possible? My partner doesn’t understand me. He’s very controlling. I want to change him. We constantly want to change people – and we forget its really about us. We attract people we are vibrationally alike to – sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously.
We attract who we are – because somewhere within you, you are like them. We sometimes hate to admit it because it isn’t pretty. But take a moment to think of all the people in your life. See how their negative vibrational state has a similarity to you in some way.
Sharing my personal experience, I get annoyed by my mother in law. She’s very judgemental and sharp with her words. And I hate my relationship experience with her. But when I really look within me – I do have judgement for others too. I do know how to hurt people with my words when I feel threatened.
I feel my partner is very controlling and he also likes to make me feel small by glorifying his achievements. And when I look deeply at myself, I am a control freak as well, maybe not with him but with aspects of my own life. I too love bragging about myself and love accolades on my successes. So why do his traits annoy me?
When wonderful people show up in our lives, they show up because of likeness. We get to serve each other and it creates positive relationship experiences.
When bad people show up in our lives, they are critical for our growth. We tend to blame them. If you are truly honest with yourself, they are like you and you embody their traits as well. They are here to teach you about yourself as a mirror. No one can send you negative vibrations- you already have them in you. They simply get activated by the other person. Unlike vibrations don’t attract, in fact they repel. If you don’t share a like vibration with someone, they don’t ever show up in your life.
We all serve to activate vibrational states in one another. It could be positive vibrational states of fun, power, joy, knowingness and negative vibrational states if guilt, remorse, obligation and frustration. No one can make you feel anything. When we make it about them, we disempower ourselves and abdicate responsibility.
So when I say my relationship experience is about me – I am taking charge of my experience – and that’s the key to changing things in your life.
You need to ask yourself – what vibrational state does this person activate in me? How does this person make me feel. What is my perception of the energy of this relationship? And guess what – we have the power to shift ur vibrational states. If we shift, that person ceases to exist in our lives as there is no point of attraction.
Isn’t that empowering? I have the power to choose who I want in my life. Of course most people we meet activate the positive as well as the negative vibrational states in us. We we shift away from the negative vibrational state, the negative side goes away and only a positive relationship is left.
Energy is fed through attention – when we feed energy into a vibrational quality within us, it becomes more pronounced in us. So for example, if your spouse is frustrating you, that energy of frustration is somewhere within you. Ask yourself – What am I frustrated with in my life? Work? My relationship with my family? My weight? My finances? Contemplate this and try and remove that negative vibrational state.
But what do we do instead? We magnify the problem. We try to fix our frustrated spouse. We talk to our friends about him. We keep thinking why he’s frustrated and try to change him – all futile efforts which actually feed more into the negative vibrational energy thus attract more such like vibrations
So a client asked me once, can I pretend to have a likeness? Well of course you can pretend, its definitely inauthentic and meaningless. Our relationships serve us in augmenting our vibrational states. Its really upto us to choose which vibrational states we want to heighten within our experience, only ourselves.
Ask yourself – which vibrational state do I want augmented in my relationship? When we shift our vibrational state, we change our circumstances. We change what we attract and our relationship experience changes. We don’t try to fix people or change them.
So does it make sense now? My relationship experience is all about me.
So here are the steps on how to do it.
- Ask yourself, what vibrational state exists in your relationship now and why does it show up?
- Decide on what vibrational state you want instead? Be specific.
- Change your actions to match your vibrational state through new action
- Stop feeding energies to the negative vibrational state in you
- Practice non-reaction
So let’s recap with an example. For example let’s say you have a frustrated partner. So the vibrational state is frustration. Your partner might not agree he’s frustrated – that’s ok. Don’t analyse him. Now ask yourself why is this showing up in my life ? This is because it exists within me – find out why are you frustrated. Are you unhappy with your body? Do you feel stuck with your career? Are you feeling frustrated with your mom? Take ownership of the frustration in your life. Be honest.
Ask yourself, what do you want to feel instead with your partner. So lets say you want to feel satisfied in your relationship. You need to get moving and unstuck in your life that makes you frustrated. You complaining about the frustration as this feeds the energy. Try doing things that make you satisfied. Maybe change to a more satisfying job. Make the dreaded call to your mum and feel satisfied that the issue isn’t lingering on your head anymore. Change your lifestyle and start hitting the gym- it will give you a feeling of satisfaction.
All these new actions will change your vibrational state – it will remove the frustration from your relationship – you will see it was all about you. Because you ain’t vibrating on that feeling anymore, the situation in your relationship will automatically change. You both have been activating this feeling of frustration in one another – you both don’t like it but are used to it.
What happens when you remove that energy from your vibrational state – your partner still has it within him. He will still engage with this energy, so for a while, things will get a bit worse before they get better. He will probably complain more about frustration. You need to practice non- reaction – don’t engage in the discussion, don’t react, resist talking about it. Transmute the energy – it wont show up in your life anymore.
So your vibe attracts your tribe – your relationship experience is all about you. Can you shift energies in your partner? Absolutely not. It is against his free will – he has to want to change his relationship experience – it has nothing to do with you.
If you want to manifest peace in your love life, its entirely possible. You have to work on yourself and that’s the only way it works.
Imagine you have a child and you tell the child I won’t love you until someone else can love you first. You are basically giving yourself up in the hands of the other person to decide how to love you. It’s like saying I’m not important to me. I don’t know my value. Can you make me important to you. Can you decide what’s my value?
Thus, we abandon ourselves and do not take responsibility for our experience, rather we expect our partner to do it for us. We come into relationships expecting to get love rather than share love.
Mary was doing exactly this. Instead of taking responsibility for feeling loved, she tried to control Steven overtly every time she got angry and blamed him for not doing enough. He on the other hand dealt with it covertly by withdrawing or shutting down. Both these methods had they used have very negative effects on the relationship and he finally decided he didn’t want a relationship. He said he was commitment phobic and didn’t understand her.
So my dear friends, the problem for the lack in our relationships is really
SELF ABANDONMENT.
Wow..Thats a a big word. Let me explain this theory more.
We attract each other at our common level of vibrational frequency and our common level of pain, and people often ask “What exactly does this mean?”
Our level of vibrational frequency and our level of pain is the level at which we are abandon ourselves. In any given relationship, the way each partner abandons him or herself may be different, but how much they each abandon themselves within the primary relationship is similar.
If we heal our pain and fears before we share love, we will create a safe inner space in ourselves.Only when you have achieved inner safety and inner strength can we then create a safe relationship space.
Let me give you another example of self abandonment with this example of my client.
Another client of mine Mary met this really attractive guy Steven and there was an instant attraction. They were happy for a year and then they both started feeling unhappy and felt a lack in the relationship. She contacted me and her “problem” was – he doesn’t understand me. I am tired of doing things for him and not being appreciated.
Steven has been abandoning himself through ignoring his own feelings and was using Mary to fill him up with attention, approval and sex. Mary on the other hand has been abandoning herself by being the perfect caretaker – tending to his feelings while ignoring her own. Their common level of pain was the degree to which they each ignored their own feelings and avoided responsibility to themselves. They tried to use each other to fill the emptiness within them that results from their self-abandonment.
Growing up very few of us learnt how to take responsibility for our own fullness, happiness, peace, and joy. We weren’t taught it and never really practise it. Imagine you have a child and you tell the child I won’t love you until someone else can love you first. You are basically giving yourself up in the hands of the other person to decide how to love you. It’s like saying I’m not important to me. I don’t know my value. Can you make me important to you. Can you decide what’s my value?
Thus, we abandon ourselves and do not take responsibility for our experience, rather we expect our partner to do it for us. We come into relationships expecting to get love rather than share love.
Mary was doing exactly this. Instead of taking responsibility for feeling loved, she tried to control Steven overtly every time she got angry and blamed him for not doing enough. He on the other hand dealt with it covertly by withdrawing or shutting down. Both these methods had they used have very negative effects on the relationship and he finally decided he didn’t want a relationship. He said he was commitment phobic and didn’t understand her.
So my dear friends, the problem for the lack in our relationships is really
SELF ABANDONMENT.
Ok you may tell me – Wait a second Kaysha, I don’t even know what that means! I cant even spell it. Are you sure this is my problem? Tell me more.
Yes this is the deep problem at the core. Let me give you examples of self abandonment and you tell me if they resonate with you.
Let me help you conquer your F.E.A.R.S . The 5 signs of Self Abandonment.
F- Ignoring your Feelings
Do you ignore the pain you are feeling? Do you judge yourself for your anxiety or depression? Do you ignore the pain of loneliness, heartbreak and helplessness in your relationship as being a part of life? When you ignore your painful feelings the message to your inner child is that she is not important to you. Your feelings don’t matter.
E- Eggshell Relationships
These are relationships where you have to tread lightly—each day you wake up you are figuratively having to walk on eggshells because your partner behaves or acts all too frequently with a constellation of traits that are just simply toxic. So toxic, that you have to be ever so careful around them lest they lash out at you. And sometimes the roles are reversed. You are on your wits ends at all times, and any small comment made by your partner can make your fluster or simply burst into sobs.
A- Addictions
If you feel intense anxiety, depression, anger or hurt as a result of your self-abandonment, you can further abandon yourself by turning to various addictions to numb out the pain and avoid responsibility for it.
Since you are doing about loving yourself your inner wounded self turns to addictive ways of avoiding pain, such as junk food, nicotine, drugs or alcohol, or even sometimes to activities such as TV, work and shopping. They cause temporary pain relief and some distraction but because they are all ways of abandoning yourself, they only lead to more pain in the long run.
R- Shirking Responsibility
Rather than loving yourself and finding ways to deal with this self abandonment, do you instead constantly need your partner’s attention or approval? Do you try to get someone to have sex with you so that you still feel wanted and attractive? Do you leave it to your partner to make it all ok and prefect for you? Do you get angry and use blame as a form of trying to have control over others to give you the love you are not giving to yourself?
S- Self Judgement
Telling yourself lies and judging is like telling them directly affects your wounded inner She would feel very anxious and depressed at hearing these statements from you and starts having low self esteem and feel like she’s not good enough.
Do you tell yourself things like – “I am not good enough” “ I am a failure.” “ I am so ugly, who would want me anyways.” “ I am destined to be alone all my life.” “ I am selfish when I take care of myself.” “ No one will ever love me.”
Imagine telling a small already wounded child this. Do you know how sad and depressing that really is? And do you realise you are doing this to her. Your inner child stores all your memories of your self-esteem, body-image, family trauma, shame and secrets. When you abandon yourself and criticise yourself by self doubt and self loathing, your inner child sinks deeper down into this pool of mud.
Can she ever swim out of the swamp of self abandonment ? Or does she sink deeper each time more mud is thrown at her – either by herself or by toxic partners who dump some of their own mud onto her, instead of dealing with it, and cleaning it up, for themselves.
Oh god. I feel depressed thinking of my inner child. And the inner child of every client of mine. Who is stuck in this rut. In this swamp. She gets more sucked in, she cant find the way out. She feels a new relationship will help her. Her new partner will throw in a rope and get her out, clean her up and leave her spotless.
But my dear friend, no one can do this for you. But YOU. The aim should be to sensitively lift out this dirt and mud, bit by bit, by yourself until we are left with just a stain of what was once there. Realistically.
Going back to my client Mary. If she took responsibility for her own feelings, was connected with her spiritual self and operated with self love she would not be attracted to Steven. She would immediately feel his inner emptiness and neediness, and his energy would feel to her like the repelling end of a magnet.
Likewise, if Steven operating as a loving adult with himself, he would not be attracted to Mary. Instead he would feel put off by her obsessive care taking and the inner neediness from which it stems from. He would have felt her insecurity, her fears of rejection, and the anxiety that goes along with inner abandonment. No matter how beautiful May was, he would not be attracted to her vibrational frequency, which would be much lower than his.
So take a moment to just think about why you’re here, why you signed up for this training why you’re spending 45 minutes to come and listen to what I’m sharing.
You have had failed relationships or your have a failing or unfulfilling relationship. You don’t know whats going on and whats gone wrong.
I know it sounds overwhelming. And I know I have painted a really bleak picture. I see this repeating patterns in all my clients. Most of them are trying so hard to get rid of the mud. It’s like they are are using detergent after detergent. Investing in ropes and mud wrestling skills but still cant get even some dirt off. Nothing is working on these stubborn stains. These deep rooted stains on the inner child. This is what it feels like.
Are you tired of struggling with anxiety, depression, shame, insecurity, emptiness and various addictions and relationships that never seem to ‘work?’
Do you want an effective solution for remaining centered, peaceful and powerful and knowing yourself at soul level and how to love that dirty mud covered wounded inner child?
Do you want to know a clearly defined process for staying empowered in your relationship – for not taking responsibility for your partner’s negative behaviour when they are being needy or trying to control you?
Are you so tired of reading books, attending workshops and seminars and trying therapies that just don’t work and bring lasting results you expected?
Do you understand and know that your primary intention in every moment is what gives you the power to consciously make the choices that are in your highest good?
Are you TRULY READY to end the vicious cycles that keeps you stuck in self-abandonment and lack of connection?
